The latest in the scientific news, live from New York! A new strain of phobia has appeared! WEATHER PHOBIA!
Err…what?
Yes, you heard right the first time. John Westefeld, at the University of Iowa has recently documented a study in which he claims that perhaps one in five – twenty percent, ladies and gentlemen, one in five people in the USA suffers from ‘weather phobia’. This new disease apparently is characterized by panic at the thought of storms – not the regular, healthy type of worry that makes people stock up on provisions, or board up their windows, or whatever – but actually renders them incapable of helping themselves while under its influence.
Now look.
I’m sympathetic to peoples worries and fears, I really am. I listen to people when they tell me there’s something that’s bothering them, and I usually try to give some sort of positive advice. So here’s my advice to all you Americans afraid of the big, bad, weather.
Wear a nappy. It wouldn’t do to piss your pants every time you hear thunder, now would it?
Err…what?
Yes, you heard right the first time. John Westefeld, at the University of Iowa has recently documented a study in which he claims that perhaps one in five – twenty percent, ladies and gentlemen, one in five people in the USA suffers from ‘weather phobia’. This new disease apparently is characterized by panic at the thought of storms – not the regular, healthy type of worry that makes people stock up on provisions, or board up their windows, or whatever – but actually renders them incapable of helping themselves while under its influence.
Now look.
I’m sympathetic to peoples worries and fears, I really am. I listen to people when they tell me there’s something that’s bothering them, and I usually try to give some sort of positive advice. So here’s my advice to all you Americans afraid of the big, bad, weather.
Wear a nappy. It wouldn’t do to piss your pants every time you hear thunder, now would it?
4 comments:
i used to wet the bed til i was eight, maybe nine. this is unrelated to weather phobia, but still i think wetting yourself in response to stress really isn't such a bad idea. i dare say..i enjoy it..mm..enjoyed it.
well well..do i sense mockery here? not a big fan of the supersize american dream im guessing huh? don't get me wrong, im the last one to make racist or stereotypical statements, but for any nation in which, the first thing people buy when there's a hurricane warning is..and im not joking..toilet paper!!..and buy extra large cokes on a day when you can get free unlimited refills..weather phobia doesn't sound all that bad!
oh yea..speaking of extra large cokes..ive never understood this..when you can have free refills..and that too..unlimited..why the hell would you buy the largest size glass?
why not the smallest? you pay less and you can drink as much as the guy with the ultra big glass! and coke in america is such a ripoff! more than half the glass is filled with ice as it is..so whether you like it or not..even if you've ordered an XL coke.. you get about the same amount as the guy with the small or medium glass..and of course you look like a hog..kind of a downside i guess..especially if you're fat. anyway this was suppose to be about the weather..sorry for the entire coke story! just something i've always wondered about..!
Not mockery, not quite, it's just that after reading a lot of history, I get aggravated with American posturing.
They got to where they are by pure luck, and a lot of downright slimy politicking. And they got credit for it, too.
America: So you want tanks and planes to fight the Nazis, huh? Well, okay, you'll have to pay for them.
Britain, Russia: Doesn't seem quite fair, since we'll be the ones dying when we use them in battle.
America: Yeah, but look at the hardship I'll have to go through. I'll have to tell my people to stop making cars and tins and a lot of luxury goods so I can help YOU guys out.
Britain, Russia: Yeah, that's true, but nonetheless, do you want to fight the Nazis by yourself when they control Europe?
America: Look, it's as simple as this. This is YOUR problem, we're helping YOU out, so you're going to have to pay us back.
Britain, Russia: Yeah, fine, okay. What's the terms of payment?
America: Eternal acceptance of the fact that we won the war for you guys, and we're the coolest, and life would suck without us, and America is the greatest, and the land of the free, and we rock, and all you guys are looser, nyah, nyah, I'm on a different continent, boo sucks the hun.
Britain: Eh, what? Didn't quite get you there, old chap
Russia (aside, to Britain): Look,English, just get those damn tanks, people are dying here.
Britain: Allright, old chap, keep your hat on. (To America): Yes, fine, allright, done, now send 'em quick.
America: Just as soon as you send what's left of your fighting force across the Atlantic to take receipt of the goods.
Britian: Those ships are keeping us alive!
America: Why should I waste MY people's lives to help YOU out?
and so on.
Eventually came Pearl Harbour.
One military installation was destroyed, a number of obsolete ships were wrecked, maybe a few hundred people killed, if at all.
What was the American response?
Nuclear strikes on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
And these are the people that preach democracy and freedom and civil rights to the rest of the world.
Fucking hypocrites.
yea i agree..
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