A person feels insecure if he’s in an environment that doesn’t suit him. A person feels insecure if he’s behaving in a way alien to his true nature. Put someone in a hostile environment, then, and force him to put up a façade to get on with his life, and you’ve killed him right there.
I know this guy who’s been through something like that – or at least, that’s what he claims. He says that right from the beginning, he had to pretend to be someone he wasn’t, just so that people would leave him alone long enough for him to maintain some measure of sanity. When I ask him for more details, he gets irritated and starts shouting. Fair enough, there’s something bugging him for sure. However, isn't that something everyone goes through in life? Every single person I know was a kid once, and every kid I know has been through some sort of shit in life – that’s what makes them mature, I feel. You never really grow up until something bad happens in life, since that’s what gets you thinking in the first place. That’s why women mature faster than guys – from what I hear, the beginning of the biological tick is a pretty intense situation. I know it would scare the crap out of me, that’s for sure.
We were talking about the guy, though. He says that he’s looking for closure, some way to get past whatever happened, and finally get on with his life. It must be a real pain, carrying such a weighty history around with you, which sometimes makes me wonder why he does it. Fair enough, something bad happened – perhaps much worse than happens to other people. And he’s a smart guy too, no doubt about it, so it must have made it even worse to know that you’re behaving in a way that isn't you, but having to do it nonetheless, just so that people would stop picking on you.
I’ve got a theory on this – old friend, I hope you don’t mind me laying your life out for others to ponder, but I think it’ll be good for you. Trust me on this one, like you have in the past. It’ll be okay, I promise.
I think, in all honesty, that you don’t really consider yourself worth very much – which is why you have to come up with all these complex excuses to avoid looking the truth in the face. Fair enough, you got messed up in school. It must have sucked, not having friends for years on end, and it must have sucked even more not having someone to pour your heart out to. Everyone needs someone to lean on, and not being able to trust anyone long enough to take a bit of weight off your shoulders for a bit is a bit of a harsh way to grow up. But consider this.
You are who you are for the simple reason that you went through all of that in the past. Yeah, it’s left you with a bunch of scars, and I doubt that you’ll ever be free of all your demons. Look, though, at what this gave you. You know more about yourself right now than most people ever will – and that’s something. You’ve experienced cruelty first hand, so you know not to be cruel yourself – your scars are a product of that, and I doubt you’d want to give this sort of grief to anyone else. Fine, you don’t trust people, which is a big, big disadvantage when it comes to rebuilding your life – but you’ve already basted yourself in the fire of your own personal hell for so long that most of your insecurities are already gone.
You’ve were forced to think about yourself and your life at an age that few people even knew of the concept of who they were – and you’ve been doing that for so long that you’ve even begun to understand deeper meanings of life. No mean feat for someone who claims to be as messed up as you.
I could go on with this forever – and I know that as soon as I say something, you’ll have a comeback, something to bring us back to the starting point. There’s no point in arguing this out – this is about you, only you.
Stop beating yourself up. You’re fine, you really are. You just need to start believing in yourself a little more – and I trust you can see the difference between that and becoming arrogant.
The only way for someone to live in a hostile environment and still be at peace is to realise that you make your own world. There’s no need for facades, no reason to lie to yourself and others. Just be yourself, man – it’s what you were born to do.
I know this guy who’s been through something like that – or at least, that’s what he claims. He says that right from the beginning, he had to pretend to be someone he wasn’t, just so that people would leave him alone long enough for him to maintain some measure of sanity. When I ask him for more details, he gets irritated and starts shouting. Fair enough, there’s something bugging him for sure. However, isn't that something everyone goes through in life? Every single person I know was a kid once, and every kid I know has been through some sort of shit in life – that’s what makes them mature, I feel. You never really grow up until something bad happens in life, since that’s what gets you thinking in the first place. That’s why women mature faster than guys – from what I hear, the beginning of the biological tick is a pretty intense situation. I know it would scare the crap out of me, that’s for sure.
We were talking about the guy, though. He says that he’s looking for closure, some way to get past whatever happened, and finally get on with his life. It must be a real pain, carrying such a weighty history around with you, which sometimes makes me wonder why he does it. Fair enough, something bad happened – perhaps much worse than happens to other people. And he’s a smart guy too, no doubt about it, so it must have made it even worse to know that you’re behaving in a way that isn't you, but having to do it nonetheless, just so that people would stop picking on you.
I’ve got a theory on this – old friend, I hope you don’t mind me laying your life out for others to ponder, but I think it’ll be good for you. Trust me on this one, like you have in the past. It’ll be okay, I promise.
I think, in all honesty, that you don’t really consider yourself worth very much – which is why you have to come up with all these complex excuses to avoid looking the truth in the face. Fair enough, you got messed up in school. It must have sucked, not having friends for years on end, and it must have sucked even more not having someone to pour your heart out to. Everyone needs someone to lean on, and not being able to trust anyone long enough to take a bit of weight off your shoulders for a bit is a bit of a harsh way to grow up. But consider this.
You are who you are for the simple reason that you went through all of that in the past. Yeah, it’s left you with a bunch of scars, and I doubt that you’ll ever be free of all your demons. Look, though, at what this gave you. You know more about yourself right now than most people ever will – and that’s something. You’ve experienced cruelty first hand, so you know not to be cruel yourself – your scars are a product of that, and I doubt you’d want to give this sort of grief to anyone else. Fine, you don’t trust people, which is a big, big disadvantage when it comes to rebuilding your life – but you’ve already basted yourself in the fire of your own personal hell for so long that most of your insecurities are already gone.
You’ve were forced to think about yourself and your life at an age that few people even knew of the concept of who they were – and you’ve been doing that for so long that you’ve even begun to understand deeper meanings of life. No mean feat for someone who claims to be as messed up as you.
I could go on with this forever – and I know that as soon as I say something, you’ll have a comeback, something to bring us back to the starting point. There’s no point in arguing this out – this is about you, only you.
Stop beating yourself up. You’re fine, you really are. You just need to start believing in yourself a little more – and I trust you can see the difference between that and becoming arrogant.
The only way for someone to live in a hostile environment and still be at peace is to realise that you make your own world. There’s no need for facades, no reason to lie to yourself and others. Just be yourself, man – it’s what you were born to do.
17 comments:
i know this kid.
Do me a favour... if u arne't going to take 200 instead of 500 advice... atleast make it easy for people to read your rants...
Please don't try replicate your chickenshit handwritting on your blog.
Thank u...
I normally don't comment on other peoples' personal experiences since those experiences are as unique as the person who goes through them, but in this case I'm going to make and exception.
We all have some sort of facade and do role play in some form or the other even if we are in a non-hostile to comformtable environment. It is a question of perception and wanting to portray what we think appeals to the people around us. It is human nature. There is a whole bunch of theories on this in Social Psychology under social influence and group dynamics.
We are pre-destined to pretend.
swami:
Yeah, you do know him. Kid no longer, though. Watch out, he's catching up.
maya:
That wasnt my handwriting, that was the settings on the blog messed up - I was trying to reset some stuff while at work, but the server wasn't co-operating.
We're predestined to pretend, yes. We put up facades all the time, again, yes. Isn't the point (or one of the points) of life, though, to reach that state when you don't have to pretend any longer? Ultimate comfort with who you are?
..'you make your own world'.. I like that..
I was in a crabby mood then...
It isn't about reaching a state of non pretense... it is about reaching a state where you can distinguish between pretense and non pretense and be comfortable knowing where pretense is required.
hey man..nother great one...so true...we all find ourselves in situations and roles we have to play but dont want to...and personally, i too feel that pain makes you mature...which is why women mature faster (though thats probably caused by knowing us guys!! hehe)
also, and i know im off bout it..but i got a bit of a vibe that the friend in question is you yourself... lemme know on my space
heh, dead on, man, dead on. good call, i was wondering who'd see it.
maya:
true enough...but try explaining that to a nine year old who's depressed cause he has no friends and everyone in school laughs at him. i can understand it, but i still dont want to believe it - if only because i hate being in situations where i have to be any other way than what and how i'm feeling right then and there. work excepted, of course - that's the only bit in life where you have to be professional even if you dont want to - mostly cause there are more profitable ways of getting your way.
"caught between two fires" - i think this applies here. get too close to yourself, and you'll be burned by solitude. to close to others and you lose yourself...at least in my case.
thought so...having established that..let the healing begin..and the best part, is that i think youre already on the ball...anyone who can write bout his lessons learnt HAS LEARNT his lessons and is already passing if not passed it.. think of it as one of those informative, sometimes painful and boring "behind the scenes" videos that one has to sit through before the feature film begins...get plenty of coke and popcorn for the next part!!!
insecurities hmm? who is this guy i wonder..
oh and as for the whole thing about his "past"..sure everyone has one..its what makes us who we really are, and its something we cant change no matter how hard we even try..or how ashamed of it we might be..there s no way you can escape it.
you may land up somewhere where no one has a clue about who the hell you are or what you ve done but YOU know..and that ll always remain with you. this guy, whoever he is sounds as though he s pretty tortured/tormented by what he s faced, but maybe he should'nt try to forget it, and instead deal with it being a part of him.
people say that when one is used to seeing things like violence or bloodshed or death, then eventually one becomes numb to the pain.
the point im basically trying to make here is that instead of burying that part of his life, this guy should just accept it; accept himself.
people change, as a result of something that we all have our fair share of throughout life. im talking about 'experiences.' they might be good or bad, but they always end up teaching us something. so this dude should learn to deal with whatever his past has taught him.
as for the whole acceptance thing now: everywhere we go there are always enough people to criticise, AND praise us. and people tend to judge others by what they are NOW not necessarily what they WERE before.
there's a line i remember from a movie i once watched (i won't say which one because..it s one of those lame romantic comedies, although this line was pretty insightful.) the protagonist or hero or whatever you'd like to call him.. basically tells this other guy:
"what defines us is not actually how high up the ladder of success we rise..
but rather how we pull ourselves up and get there after we fall."
so yeah..think about it.
I'm hope i'm guessing the person right... and no its not me! tell the dude... that he is quite alright whichever way he is... what a freak show
Dai: I think I've found a way around it - it's pretty simple, actually. Interact with as many people as you can, but don't let too many of them in, if you know what I mean (and I think you do). And keep some time everyday for yourself...Works for me, at any rate.
Pranav: Thanks, man, I really appreciate that...That's one of the more irritating bits about writing stuff about yourself on the blog - hooray for semi anonymity and all, but there's a little part that's always going "Hmm, is it really a good idea to put that down? I wonder how people would react..." But yeah. I've done my time, it's time to start living now, I figure.
Lettuce Leaf: It's me, you fool. If you bothered to read previous comments, you'd know what was going on. Or rather, knowing you, this is probably some misfired attempt at subtlety...and talking about freak shows, how's the hanging at guitar stores going?
Ms. Blonde: It's a part of me, yeah. Not one of my favourite parts, but an integral bit, nonetheless. As pranav was saying, though, this is the ending bit of the catharsis - trust me, I've argued this out in my head innumerable times, and I think I've come to a conclusion of sorts. One way or another, I figure that if I'm comfortable talking about stuff like this (although, it does help that not everyone that reads this knows who I am), I'm more or less on the road to getting my life back. Although, there's always the possibility that it's simply all in my head, and therefore, there's nothing to be bothered about in the first place. I don't think so, though, since I know what I feel, and what I feel isn't surreal.
See, the thing about the past teaching you and all, I'm fully on board with that - although I'm not really sure what the point of the lesson was besides 'Kids can be nasty fucking sods'. Honestly, though, it's more than that, and not something I can explain too well, cause it's more of a movie in my head than a thought, but I think I got the point of it nonetheless. On the people judging you for who you are now, yeah, that's true, but only if it's a complete stranger you're meeting. I still run into people from school, and I'm still Pig, the halfwit halfpint (I came up with that one, btw. It's an awesome defensive tactic - if you take the joke away from them, there's not much for them to laugh at) for them (although the look of utter disbelief when I start ragging them is almost worth the whole thing in the first place).
Heh, that's a good line, although I kinda prefer I'm Forrest, Forrest Gump.
Monkey... u r just getting started.
Take it from somebody who knows.
Re-invention is your key.
I'll take it, fair enough.
But re-invention?
The hell with that. I'll stick with me for now, I think it's time me and myself got to know each other a bit. Then we can think about tweaking the persona a little here and there for maximum output. For now, I quite like this fellow, he seems quite interesting, actually.
I never said anything about changing your personality or tweaking it...
Use your imagination and use it in context with the conversation we had on the way back from KFC.
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